I say all but that is me assuming anyone is even reading this blog!
So on Tuesday I got back from Thailand, an epic 10 days of sun, sea and sand. I went with my boyfriend and it was our first time it being just us two on holiday so I was slightly worried. Last year we spent 2 weeks in America, which was more of a concern as we had only been together for 6 months at this point! That was fine and we stayed and met-up with loads of his family which help to break it up. I know long periods of time with me isn't always fun.
I was so excited to go but also quite scared about the food choices especially given my recent situation. I have been working with my dietican T to start implementing morning and afternoon snack back into my diet and formulating a new meal plan. It was going well and I had somehow developed a lot of motivation to keep going, the problem with motivation is that it doesn't last for long. I have started panicking around food, which is difficult, these are feelings and emotions I thought I had dealt with but suffering from panic attacks again has been quite scary especially since I thought those days were behind me. A few days into the holiday I realised that I was going to continue feeling this way until I changed something, so again I increased my intake and felt great. Towards the end the thoughts became unbearable and thus I am at this place where TW my morning snack has disappeared and I am unfortunately tracking everything back into MyFitnessPal. I will warn you that there will be triggering comments on here, while I will never refer directly to weight or calories and stay clear of numbers, unfortunately it is the reality of an eating disorder and the stage I am at now.
I had my therapist appointment the day after I arrived home. A and I spoke about a lot of different things including a leave of absence from work. I will admit work feels so overwhelming at the moment but I also have issues of spending time alone, which we are working on. A thought because I am struggling so much with my intake and the thoughts that the day patient program may be helpful for me.
Now while my BMI is not healthy I am nowhere near as ill as I was before, I am still very far away from my lowest weight. I am starting to think I shouldn't go to day patient, I know it is more of a preventative measure they do not want me to be admitted and neither do I, but I am scared about going into this program and not being "ill" enough. I hate that I am having these thoughts, but I guess being told by the services I am not ill enough is hard, they are trying to help but I am taking it the wrong way. I don't even know if it will be open to me yet, it is only in discussion, the last time I went to see my consultant, it was suggested I wasn't bad enough for day patient and my weight has remained pretty stable since then as I have been trying to increase my intake.
Otherwise Thailand was amazing and really did remind me why recovery is so worth it, the beautiful beaches and snorkling in the sea. It makes you really think how much of a world is out there beyond your eating disorder.
I just feel stuck, stuck in wanting to move and scared to let go because I feel like I only ever get help when I am ill.
So while I doubt anyone is reading this, I would love to hear your thoughts about what you think of day patient programs or if you think doing it as an outpatient is better? Also what motivates you to stay in recovery?