For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful, I feel happy and optimistic about the time ahead. I forgot about this feeling, I actually forgot what it was like to smile and feel good. How it felt to play music and it making me want to dance around my room. How the sunshine outside makes me smile rather than fuels and enhances my depression.
This weekend has been so much nicer for me, I am scared because I know this feeling won't last but it is the first time in a very long time, where I have felt more hopeful and like myself.
Depression and anorexia (in my opinion) go hand in hand. Just the biological implications of anorexia leads to a depressive state. My new private therapist, Z, even agrees that I am not suffering from depression, but the depression state is something I learnt from childhood. That I have adopted those feelings and internalised them. It is so refreshing to hear and it is so refreshing for once to be heard!
Even my new consultant on the day program, actually listens to what I am saying and takes this on board. One frustration I have had with my Eating Disorder Doctors is that they are always trying to review and change my medication but fail to acknowledge that I have an extremely low tolerance to sedatives, so they try me on a number of medications and guess what I can't function on them because I just end up so tired and in a zombie like state ,despite being on a low dose. My new consultant has prescribed me some medication to try, it did make me exceptionally tired, but I stopped taking it. I was reassured that even though weight gain was a side affect of this medication that it wouldn't make me gain weight. I know from the past that what usually happens is that it will increase your appetite, hence you eat more and then gain weight. However, this is unlikely to happen to someone suffering with anorexia because they are so vigilant about what they eat. As I do not suffer from binging tendencies, my consultant said she wasn't worried about this potentially triggering a binge.
I was fine with this, hey it might even work in my favour because my appetite has been decreasing lately and I know this is down to my digestive system working hard to catch-up now that I have finally started fuelling my body again! However, after taking the medicine on Friday night I started doing some research, I found so many forums where people state that it isn't just the increased appetite that causes weight gain but it also suppresses their metabolism, now this really freaked me out! I already have a suppressed metabolism as it is! I eventually want to follow the MM guidelines and I know I am slowly being increased the minimum amount that I need to consume, I am not there yet.
Since I became so scared I have not taken the medication since. I hate being reliant on medication as it is, it frustrates me that I am taking the highest dose of anti-depressants as it is!
I am apprehensive about tomorrow's weigh in at the clinic, but a part of me is feeling so much lighter (wrong choice of words!) with regards to my feelings. My mood has lifted, I really hope it lasts because that endless feeling of hopelessness is too much to bear.
I am going to leave for my sister's house now and have some lunch there. Happy Sunday everyone!
- What to do you think about taking medication while in recovery from anorexia?
- What do you think about reading up about people's experiences with medication? Is it a good or bad idea?
- What are you doing on this lovely Sunday?