Wednesday, 27 April 2016

What I ate Wednesday

I decided to join the band wagon of recovery and food related blogs of participating in the WIAW which is hosted by Jenn, click here to find out more.

What WIAW isn’t about

Comparison – Judgement – Restriction – Guilt

What WIAW is about

Celebrating one of the glorious things we all have in common: We all eat!

What I Ate Wednesday is about food and fun! It’s about making new friends, breaking out of a food rut, noting changes in your diet/lifestyle, inspiring yourself and others, embracing fruit and vegetables, nourishing your body with the foods that work for you, finding new ways to eat your favourite foods, and so. much. more. <3

Celebrate Food.  Celebrate blogging.  Celebrate Individuality.
[Cause over here, we like to party!]

Okay so now we have that out of the way, I wanted to discuss why I have decided to do this blog post. When I was relapsing I used to read a lot of WIAW and YouTube videos "what I eat in a day"; while I realise that my actions were coming from a disordered place I know that seeing normal amounts of food helped to put into perspective that what I was doing was not normal. During my relapse I realised that what I was doing wasn't right, insight can be a wonderful and painful experience kids! I also wanted to be able to participate in this blog party, but as I was restricting it would not have been appropriate to post a day of my food.

Another reason I wanted to participate in this blog party is because I know how helpful I have found it in the past to see what other people eat, disordered or not, it has helped! The difficulty is knowing there to draw the line and when it becomes unhelpful. For this reason alone, my Instagram page continues to be empty as I do not want to become obsessive about picturing and posting all my food as I have done in the past.

Anyways I digress - let me get started. I am really struggling with my intake at the moment, do not get me wrong I am eating it all, it just feels so awful, but hey that is recovery!

My eats are from the weekend - as obviously I am not able to whip out my phone and take pictures at the day program at the hospital, I doubt they would be too impressed!

Breakfast - first and most important meal of the day

So breakfast is porridge with a side of honey, banana, flaked almonds, cinnamon and some chocolate Peanut Butter Hottie. I also had a peppermint tea.

After breakfast I headed out to the local park and went for a walk, it was lovely until I whistled at this innocent sweet sausage dog. The dog approached me and started barking very loudly and then brought his whole crew of dogs - it was a life or death moment right there!

Morning snack

But first coffee - this quote was very true after my traumatic morning. Morning snack consisted of coffee, an apple covered in cinnamon (I think I have a slight obsession with cinnamon!) and a mixed seed carob 9 bar. I have to say the carob coated 9 bar is my favourite out of the bunch, I have only tried three so maybe I should reserve my judgment.

After morning snack I headed to my local supermarket for the food shop, food shopping still takes me a while to do. I had a bit of a breakdown in the bread aisle - it took me far too long to pick the "right" bread rolls for lunch.


So this meal was a the potentially not-bought bread roll, prawns, tzatziki and salad. This was followed by a Yeo Valley natural yoghurt and strawberries.

One thing I really struggle with during the weekends is meal times, my lunch was at 4 pm. I tend to put off meal times until it becomes really late with my need to complete tasks as I feel like I don't deserve to eat. I am trying to work on that today (Sunday), currently sitting down before lunch.

Afternoon snack

Afternoon snack is an un-pictured as I went out for a walk, but it was a freshly baked Reese's mini peanut butter cup flapjack and a latte from Starbucks. Freshly baked goods are always yum and it is definitely a bonus of recovery


So like my other and snacks this was very delayed, dinner didn't come until 8 pm. While it was late, it was very yummy. I had a Bird's Eye barbeque chicken, couscous and salad with salad cream.

Night snack

R came round on Saturday night, so I forgot to take another picture of my snack. Night snack was a cup of tea followed by my other challenge for the weekend, the first being the bread roll, was a fresh cream jam doughnut! These were my favourite as a kid! R ordered food from Dominos which came with some cookies so I ate one of those too!

(A picture of the doughnut I bought from Sainsbury's)

(Picture taken from the Domino's website - I am afraid to say mine didn't look this good!)

So that is a full day of eats!

A little update, my mood is awful, all I seem to do is cry these days. I am wondering whether I can do this, I am so unhappy, I don't understand why I am so sad and just can't see a way out of any of this. I am almost weight restored now, so this isn't a symptom of malnutrition - it is all the horrible feelings which caused the relapse in the first place.

On that pretty note it is now lunch time, well it is right now at the time of me writing this!

Friday, 1 April 2016

Happy April Fool's day

Hi all,

I know April Fool's isn't an official holiday but I thought it would be a good idea to embrace the silliness and, hopefully, laughter which comes from the day.

It has been a while since I have logged into my blog, this is down to several reasons. Mostly, I am so exhausted from the day program, recovery and constant battle in my head that I quite frankly do not have the energy to even think about blogging or writing. I often explore thoughts in my head but this can lead to remuneration and I need to be better at writing these down, I always feel like these need to be well written sentences, but I should just jot down whatever comes into my head, whether it will be words or a stream of sentences with no connection to each other.

I am trying to think of what I have been doing in the last month. I might do these as bullet points, my concentration is still not as good as it used to be and I am finding reading continuous pros of blogs and articles difficult, but funnily enough I am able to read books. Strange! So what have I done in the last month:

  • I have continued to build a relationship with my therapist; I feel like it is gong really well and I have found someone I can really connect with. I think it can be so incredibly difficult to find a good therapist. I like the fact that this will stay in place even after I have completed the day program treatment and that it is not based on NHS timescales and funding.
  • I have wanted to start practising yoga but I knew that I needed to be careful with being at a low weight, but my medical team actually suggested it as a form of relaxation to help with my anxiety and to help reduce my obsessive cleaning behaviour. I am really enjoying it and have gone to a class but I have also done some amazing YouTube videos. My favourite is Yoga with Adrienne, I am so planning on attending a weekly class which is at a church opposite the block of flats where I live.

  • R went on holiday to America, while I was upset and I missed him so dearly, I did survive! He came back last week Thursday and I am SO SO glad that he is back!! He also brought me back lots of American goodies, I have a slight obsession with anything Reese related, which have definitely made my snacks a lot more interesting.

  • I went to my friend's birthday lunch - I went late as I did not feel ready to involve myself in the food situation at that time, but just the simple fact that I went was such a big deal for me. It is also so important for me to start socialising again with my friends.
  • I coped with the Easter weekend, I didn't just cope but actually had a lovely time with my sister and R. I also had an Easter egg ;-)
  • I ate out for the first time in recovery! My sister and I went to Nando's last Saturday for lunch and I went again with my friend D yesterday evening for dinner.
  • I have been working on tackling some food anxieties including eating; chocolate pastries, bagels, goat's cheese, Cadbury's chocolate pot and unknown calorie cakes and brownies.
(mmm this is making me want to eat it again!)

  • I have met up with friends and have spoken to my manager about returning to work.
  • I have found somewhere new to live and have a provisional move in day for the 1st May.

Wow reading this has definitely made me feel like I have achieved a lot this last month, the power of positive thinking eh? Unfortunately, with the good also comes the bad. While it is positive and essential for my recovery, I am finding it difficult to cope with the weight gain. I am not at a healthy weight yet, but I am also not significantly underweight. I am in the grey area of in between, which for me is incredibly scary. Physically, I feel so much better, I have more energy, my mood has improved, I no longer feel so cold and irritable, which is all great, except now I am finding it harder to justify and comply with meal plan increases and more weight gain. I feel so much better so why do I need to gain more weight, why can't I stop right here. If you are also struggling with this stage in recovery I highly recommend, if you have not already, reading through the Minnie Maud guidelines and this article here. Which both explain why you should not stop recovery half way. I realise that this is exactly what my mind is trying to tell me what to do. Last week I had a meal plan increase and for the reason outlined above I am finding extremely difficult to follow. I have been soo good with following all the advice given to me by my team and doing everything they are saying. So why am I stumbling at this hurdle? Is it because I no longer feel like I can justify eating unless I am at a low weight?

I feel like recovery is becoming harder rather than easier, but I know this is to be expected. I think I am also extremely nervous about the impending return to work next month. It frightens me, alongside the fact that in 2-3 weeks I will be starting the second phase of the day program which is starting to step down and reduce the number of days I attend. Initially it is only a drop from five days to four, but after the initial month, I will then be dropping two days from the program. On one of these days I will be working...

This all feels so overwhelming, why does the thought of returning to the real world scare me so much? Is it because anorexia gave me the outlet to avoid dealing with real life?

Any thoughts? How have you dealt or coped with returning to normal life after treatment?

Did you play any April Fool's jokes today?