Today's blog post is inspired by Drops of Jules whose determination and insight on recovery continues to inspire and amaze me everyday. On Monday Julia posted an amazing blog post which I highly recommend reading, you can find it here. I won't recap too much what Julia talks about as I think she puts it so profoundly into words that I am not even going to try.
This blog post moved me incredibly, I was literally brought to tears reading this and I feel like it needs the recognition it deserves. There is such an important message here, you can keep saying I will try tomorrow or I just need to get through today, but you just don't know what will happen tomorrow. I don't want to sound cliché but you may not get a second chance. As you already know I recently returned to treatment and I have heard of a few people I was inpatient in have passed away because of the illness. We always think we have so much time ahead of us and at times I feel like life is way too long but in essence if you are not in recovery you are killing yourself and that is the truth of it.
I recently weight restored and to say I am struggling with this would be an understatement. I am constantly disgusted by how I look. I can barely look at myself in the mirror, it makes me sick. I know it's something I need to work on and I know it is going to take time, but I can honestly say I hate how I look. I hate how big my arms feel, the size of my face and how wide my legs have grown. I look at people who have recently weight restored and I think how comes they look so small and why do I look so big. My mind is a mess and I wonder how much longer I can hold on. I am slowly returning to work and returning to my old life and it scares me, but what is the alternative, slowly killing myself day by day while watching the people I love crumble around me. Something I forgot about last time which came into my head today. Recovery isn't just about gaining weight, no I don't mean its about challenging your perceptions of my mind and food, while those are important it is also about rebuilding my life.
When I did recovery the first time I had to work so hard at rebuilding my life around me again, my relationships with my boyfriend, friends and family as well as my work life. I didn't realise that in the mist of my relapse I started destroying all the things that I built. Returning to work and slowing regaining my responsibilities back, something I worked and strived so hard for I lost. I forgot about this part, the part where I build my life back up again, it feels like such a mess, but reading these articles make me think. Julia writes in one of her articles that it doesn't matter how you recover, you just need to recover.
I keep thinking that I did recovery wrong, I need to lose the weight and start again. I will do it properly this time, but there no right way to do recovery. Right now I need to focus on building my life back up again, the one I destroyed. I am petrified of going back into the real world. I am so scared, but is something I am just going to have to.
I have been reading a lot of good recovery blog posts/articles and wanted to recommend these ones to you. If you have any good articles or blog posts that you enjoy please share with me, I am always interested in finding new ones. In the mean time stay strong and keep pushing through, I still don't quite know if I believe there is another side but I am hoping if I keep stumbling in the dark I will eventually find the light.