Monday, 20 June 2016

Weight restoration

So as you may already know about a month ago I weight restored I finally hit the weight range my medical team set for me. Now I understand most people reading this blog will understand and know that the body recovers quicker than the mind. Weight restoration does not equally recovery in fact I see it as reaching the first milestone.

What I can't understand is since I reached the range which was agreed by my team and a weight I was maintaining before my relapse is why I continue to gain weight. I was given a 2 kg weight range initially I was at the beginning of it and now I'm closer to the maximum. Since going on a maintenance meal plan i have continued to gain weight every single week. Every. Single. Week. 

I am usually at the day unit on Mondays where I get weighed. I am currently part time at the unit and spend the rest time at work. So today I went to work and going against every positive recovery message I reached for my scales and hoped for the best. I should state recently I have been struggling to eat my full meal plan I have been slipping in the sense that it's so easy to not have this snack or remove the yoghurt from my lunch. As a result I was fully expecting my weight to say stable, it did not. My weight had suddenly gone up, by a lot. Now I know the logic here:
  • If I restrict my food intake my body will  panic and hold onto all the calories.
  • Weight fluctuates several kgs.
  • Water retention and maybe eating a little more sodium.
  • Hormones  and menstrual cycle.
  • I am gaining because I hasn't reached my set point.

I know all the reasons but I feel angry. I am angry I have gained more weight and that I feel so uncomfortable in my body. I literally  feel so trapped and disgusted in my body. I know it won't go down, everyone says it will go back down once your body has settled. It nene goes down. Ever. 

This blog post hasn't got much of purpose except I just hate myself so much right now. The thoughts in my head are going crazy and I just want to crawl under my bed and not come out. 

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

What I ate Wednesday

Hi all,

I decided to do another WIAW blog post which is hosted by Jenn, click here to find out more.

What WIAW isn’t about

Comparison – Judgement – Restriction – Guilt

What WIAW is about

Celebrating one of the glorious things we all have in common: We all eat!

What I Ate Wednesday is about food and fun! It’s about making new friends, breaking out of a food rut, noting changes in your diet/lifestyle, inspiring yourself and others, embracing fruit and vegetables, nourishing your body with the foods that work for you, finding new ways to eat your favourite foods, and so. much. more. <3

Celebrate Food.  Celebrate blogging.  Celebrate Individuality.
[Cause over here, we like to party!]

This blog post is for Sunday's eats and I am writing this after eating my night snack. I am now a healthy weight and am no longer on a weight gain meal plan, so right now my main goal is maintaining my current weight. It is really scary and the urges to restrict are strong. I find it harder to justify my meal plan and eating now that I am at my target but this doesn't mean I should just give up. So I hope this is helpful for anyone who is out there struggling, I know reading these posts when I was restricting to give me some perspective on what I should be eating. I used to use these posts as a goal to strive for.


My usual go to breakfast is porridge, always porridge. However, as I spent my Saturday in Cambridge I hadn't had the chance to go to the food shop. I had no porridge, honey or bananas, all breakfast staples in my house! Luckily, I had some Weetabix in the cupboard which I had bought about a month ago, I borrowed a banana from my housemate and I was good to go! The verdict, I think I will continue to stick with my usual porridge from now on, Weetabix is nice but I just don't think it is quite my cup of tea anymore! Speaking of tea, I washed breakfast down with a Pukka Apple and Cinnamon herbal tea.

Morning snack

Post-breakfast I didn't do much, I had a shower and threw a few loads of washing in. Suddenly it was 11 am and therefore snack time. I am still on a meal plan but working with my dietitian on intuitive eating, it is early days but I still struggle with some aspects of it. However, the meal plan is still in place. So morning snack rolls around and I am not hungry, but I know I have to eat. I am not quite at the stage where I can skip a snack because I am not hungry the process of it alone would mess with my head. So I go ahead as planned, it was a struggle especially because I didn't really want it. So I opted for a cup of Beanies hazelnut coffee followed by a Brunch and Fusili cereal bar. Now I have serious problems with this, I ate this because it was on my meal plan, but it feels so abnormal to eat two cereal bars, remember I am no longer on a weight gain diet. So I am not sure if this was unnecessary, I stuck to the meal plan which I guess is the main thing.


After morning snack I popped to Asda (a UK supermarket) to do the weekly shop! I still find food shopping quite stressful and funnily enough was definitely hungry for lunch once I got home. Lunch was a wholemeal roll with homemade hummus, salad and olives. I also used a balsamic vinegar glaze for the salad. Now I can't take the credit for the homemade hummus. One of the practical groups we do at the Day Unit is snack, shop and cook. The name gives it away, but for this group of the other patients taught me how to make homemade hummus, her slapdash style was very frightening for me as I am one who likes everything meticulously measured out. Since we had leftovers I took the rest home and decided to challenge myself to eating it again for lunch, I have to say it was delicious! The main meal was followed with some blueberries and an Activia deliciously creamy vanilla yoghurt.

Afternoon snack

After lunch my sister and I popped out to the local town centre for some shopping! Trying on clothes was not fun, my body image is absolutely awful. I tried on a really pretty dress and to say the least it did not look pretty on me. I can't believe how wide I have become. I know I need to accept myself as I am, but I don't know if I ever will. I guess I just need to learn to live with it. So my meal plan has an afternoon snack and then second snack of a smoothie. Usually on the weekends I just combine the two and have a more dense/bigger snack. So another challenge upon us, I decided to go for a cup of tea and the new Krispy Kreme Nutella doughnut. The verdict? It is magical! They're limited edition, so get your hands on while you can!


My dietitian said now that I am at a healthy weight she wants us to work on normalising my eating patterns and introducing new foods. We agreed two new foods a week, this week's new food is pasta. I adore pasta, it is delicious and yummy, but also I have a great fear of eating it. So another challenge today was spinach and ricotta tortellini with a side salad. Also a side note I am eating this from a pasta bowl so this isn't as small as it looks!

Night snack

Post-dinner I had a tummy ache, so I had a shower and made myself a hot water bottle. Then it was time to eat again, I went to M&S especially to buy this. It is a choux pastry custard filled bun. It is so yummy. If I am honest I felt incredibly guilty over eating this especially as I had a doughnut for afternoon snack and pasta for dinner, but I also realise that in order for me to fully recover I need to keep breaking through these food rules. So I had this with a cup of tea!

So that is it people a full day of eats. Now can I be honest, I am so embarrassed to post how much I have eaten in a day. Especially a day when I have eaten more sweet and challenging foods. However, there are going to be some days when you do eat more and I want to show that! It is okay, I am sick to my stomach for eating so much high calorie food. The last two weeks have been challenging, there has been so many food occasions or reasons I need to do things, but you can't plan life. You can't control every aspect of it. There will be times when you have so many different events to go to and times when you don't have anything. I want to keep pushing through and try to make myself enjoy the times when I am busy. I feel huge and to be honest the food I am posting isn't clean eating or very healthy but do you know what it is the food I like. No I don't eat like this every day, but even if I did then who cares. I am a healthy individual, I want this recovery to be different. I don't want to be stuck in the food rules anymore. I want, I need to change.

So tell me:

  • What do you think of the clean eating/health eating industry?
  • How do you challenge your fear foods and rules around eating?
  • Any times on intuitive eating? How do you handle feeling full but knowing you need to eat a certain amount?