So as you may already know about a month ago I weight restored I finally hit the weight range my medical team set for me. Now I understand most people reading this blog will understand and know that the body recovers quicker than the mind. Weight restoration does not equally recovery in fact I see it as reaching the first milestone.
What I can't understand is since I reached the range which was agreed by my team and a weight I was maintaining before my relapse is why I continue to gain weight. I was given a 2 kg weight range initially I was at the beginning of it and now I'm closer to the maximum. Since going on a maintenance meal plan i have continued to gain weight every single week. Every. Single. Week.
I am usually at the day unit on Mondays where I get weighed. I am currently part time at the unit and spend the rest time at work. So today I went to work and going against every positive recovery message I reached for my scales and hoped for the best. I should state recently I have been struggling to eat my full meal plan I have been slipping in the sense that it's so easy to not have this snack or remove the yoghurt from my lunch. As a result I was fully expecting my weight to say stable, it did not. My weight had suddenly gone up, by a lot. Now I know the logic here:
- If I restrict my food intake my body will panic and hold onto all the calories.
- Weight fluctuates several kgs.
- Water retention and maybe eating a little more sodium.
- Hormones and menstrual cycle.
- I am gaining because I hasn't reached my set point.
I know all the reasons but I feel angry. I am angry I have gained more weight and that I feel so uncomfortable in my body. I literally feel so trapped and disgusted in my body. I know it won't go down, everyone says it will go back down once your body has settled. It nene goes down. Ever.
This blog post hasn't got much of purpose except I just hate myself so much right now. The thoughts in my head are going crazy and I just want to crawl under my bed and not come out.