Monday, 11 July 2016

So now what?

On Friday I finished my treatment on the day program. I have my formal discharge meeting in a couple of weeks where everyone from my medical team meet to discuss what would be in place to support me in the community. This is followed up with four one to one appointments with my key worker.

Post discharge I know what to expect from my EDU it will be my monthly check in with my outpatient doctor who will weight me and see how I am doing. If my weight stays stable they will wave me away, if weight drops then they will wave me away. I have experience both, my dietitian said she no longer feels I will benefit from appointments. So I am on my own again. I feel like I have come full circle.

This time last year is when I started relapsing it was the beginning of July 2015. I lost all that weight, went into treatment, restored my weight and have finished the program. As a close and dear friend to me who was suffers from this disorder said to me, what a waste and she is entirely right. What a waste a time. Although we both agree that we both needed to relapse. I was stuck in recovery, I was eating the same thing every day to the point where I could ensure my weight stayed exactly the same down to the gram. Except during my menstrual cycle, and during that time I did no weigh myself. For one week every month.

So now what? I am a healthy weight. I am starting to challenge myself again after a period of panic and staying safe. But still I feel that empty loneliness which tears me apart. I feel this horrible impending gloom hanging over me. I feel in limbo, stuck, I have gone full circle and ended up back in a place where I don't want to and can't move forward.

Stuck. The only person stopping me is ME. I know that. I am stuck in this cycle of behaviours and compulsions but I convince myself that it's okay because I am eating now! I can eat a meal and snack without breaking down and crying. I also spend my hours planning what I can eat at the set time. There is nothing intuitive about my eating and I can't remember a time there ever was. I spend hours upon hours cleaning. As my eating is managed I sew saw on the other side of my obsessions, because everything is clean and I just concentrate on what my next task is then I can't think. I can't think about all things which are crushing me inside. I sound so dramatic and I know I am cleaning away my feelings.

I know I need a hobby, I know I need to throw myself into other aspects of my life. I know, I know! I am tired of fighting, I am tired of dealing with it all. So to sound like even more of a pubescent child, I just want to go to sleep and not think about it all. 

However I have been binge watching Gilmour Girls on Netflix, I love having a series on the go! I guess life can't be that bad.