Sunday, 25 September 2016

Update (TW this post contains numbers)

So since I left treatment I have abandoned this blog, with work, life and all the other things I filled my day with increased massively and I just found myself in my little bubble. Struggling to cope, cleaning obsessively and feeling constantly exhausted. I tried alternative treatments it didn't work and I found myself slipping back down the dark spiral of anorexia. It started by accident, my IBS has been playing up a lot lately, I was in pain and nauseas. So I let anorexia take advantage and made the conscious choice to carry on. My body image worsened and I am disgusted by what is reflected back at me in the mirror. I started heading towards that dark place in my mind, it's a horrible place to be when your body is still healthy but your mind has already started the process of self distruction. No one is worried but you're already heading out of a healthy place.

I sat with my therapist and told her what was happening that my weight while still healthy had started slipping. My therapist sat and said to me I'm so scared of failure that I set myself up for it. I've been given a really good new opportunity and I'm already set out to destroy it because I am so scared I can't do it. There is more to it then that but it was definitely a good realisation and a wake up call.

So I went on holiday determined that I would do well and challenge myself. I failed. I came home and realised I couldn't carry on I had to push past this. It's been one week and I'm on my meal plan. I struggle so much with eating in the day which means I eat obsessively at night trying to make up my intake, trying to get to 2,000 calories. My intake is all over the place and I feel like I am eating so much food.

I'm scared I haven't weighed myself since I came home from holiday I know I've put on weight. I can't even look at the holiday pictures because I look so disgusting. I can't bear the image in the mirror. I'm so sure everyone looks at me at work when I'm constantly eating. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I am so unhappy. I'm trying to push through because it's what I need to do, but I can't face what I see in the mirror, inside or out.